46 Years and Counting

Tonight, I joined my parents for dinner. Now, going out on a Monday is not something we normally do, but tonight we decided to make an exception. August 10th is their wedding anniversary - 46 years!

As I will celebrating 16 years next month, I started thinking about what it takes to have a successful relationship. I'm not saying that one size fits all, but I came up with my top 10 list.

1. Don't just decide to stay together - decide to stay together and be happy.
I hear about couples staying together for the kids or because they can't afford to divorce. Well, if you are going to be together, why not be happy together? Happiness is a decision. Once the decision is made to be together AND be happy, you start focusing your attention on doing things that lead to good times...and happiness emerges.

2. Don't be afraid to let the other shine.
Being supportive of each other's personal goals lets each person become the best they can be. Everyone has a purpose. Letting the other person fulfil that purpose makes them a better spouse. Also, having individual interests makes the relationship more interesting.

3. Be silly.
While my hubby will deny this, we get a little silly every now and then. Dance contests. Singing battles. Dressing my dog up (okay, that's just me). But you get the idea. Nothing beats a good laugh.

4. Take vacations.
Whether it's one night at the hotel down the street, a week in Aruba, or a month on the Amalfi Coast, plan getaways for just the two of you. Explore new things - even if it's just in your hometown. We live in the DC area, so there's a ton of things to do - museums, theatre, monuments. Make time for each other, even if you just take the day off and enjoy. And don't just enjoy the sites, enjoy being with each other.

5. Embrace the 80/20 rule.
I'm not sure if this was original when they used it in the movie Why Did I Get Married? But I like it. It says your spouse will only give you 80% of what you want. The other 20? You probably won't get it - but you can't go looking for it in someone else. Because if you do, you'll end up with 20% - but you won't have the 80%. Now, I'm sure I can identify some of the 20% my husband is doing without: I'm not the best cook or the neatest person. And I'm sure he could add a lot more to this list. But no matter how long each of our lists are - the 80% far outweighs the 20%.

6. Don't let your friends/family infiltrate your relationships.
Don't know how to make this clearer. You work out your relationship issue with the person you are in a relationship with - not outsiders. Family and friends may mean well (and sometimes they don't). If you do need to seek outside help (which I've known people to do and it has helped them tremendously), seek out a professional.

7. Have a mission bigger than the two of you.
I have a passion for helping others - both through my business and through the charities I support, such as the Innocence Project. My goal is change the lives of millions for the better. My hubby has a soft spot for the devastating drop-out rates of males in inner cities. As a couple, we know that the impact we want to have is bigger than us - so we don't want to waste precious time with petty relationship stuff.

8. Act like you love each other.
Love is an action verb. It should be demonstrated in the way you talk to each other, treat each other, talk about each other when the other person is not there, and the way you act and carry yourself.

9. Learn how to deal with conflict.
There will be disagreements - and they have to be resolved. You need to talk about how you will deal with issues around money, children, career, family, religion, money, money, money and money.

10. Be selfish - with your relationship.
Protect it. Be devoted to it. Care for it. Make it the priority. Put it above all else.

Well, that's all I got. Feel free to agree, disagree or add your own. I'd love to hear what makes your relationship a success.

When Your Freedom Is Snatched

The 4th of July is a time we set aside to celebrate our country's Declaration of Independence - a time when we celebrate our freedom.

As we travel this weekend, spend time with friends and family, honor those who defend our freedom, or just simply enjoy hanging around the house, I wanted to take a few moments to share some information on my favorite charity - The Innocence Project. This organization fights for those whose freedom was snatched away from them by being convicted of crimes they didn't commit.

The Innocence Project was founded in 1992 by Barry C. Scheck and Peter J. Neufeld at the Benjamin N. Cardozo School of Law at Yeshiva University to assist prisoners who could be proven innocent through DNA testing. To date, 240 people in the United States have been exonerated by DNA testing, including 17 who served time on death row.

In 2009 alone, they have exonerated 13 people who spent a total of 261 years behind bars for crimes they didn't commit. The shortest exoneree serving 6 years and the longest being 30. Can you imagine having your freedom snatched from you - even for only one day?

The Innocence Project’s groundbreaking use of DNA technology to free innocent people has provided irrefutable proof that wrongful convictions are not isolated or rare events but instead arise from systemic defects. The Innocence Project’s mission is nothing less than to free the staggering numbers of innocent people who remain incarcerated and to bring substantive reform to the system responsible for their unjust imprisonment.

• The first DNA exoneration took place in 1989. Exonerations have been won in 34 states; since 2000, there have been 171 exonerations.

• The average length of time served by exonerees is 12 years. The total number of years served is approximately 2,982.

• The average age of exonerees at the time of their wrongful convictions was 26.

• The true suspects and/or perpetrators have been identified in 104 of the DNA exoneration cases.

Races of the 240 exonerees:
142 African Americans
70 Caucasians
21 Latinos
2 Asian American
5 whose race is unknown

I make a monthly donation to this organization and I encourage you, if you don't already do it, to support a charity or organization that works on programs and projects that are dear to your heart. Even through these challenging economic times, we should always strive to help those who are in need.

Here are the stories of some of people who have been set free by The Innocence Project in 2009:

Thomas Winslow

Wrongly Convicted 1990

JoAnn Ada Taylor

Convicted 1990

Debra Shelden
Convicted 1989

Miguel Roman

Convicted 1990

Ricardo Rachell

Convicted 2003

Chaunte Ott

Convicted 1996

Joseph Fears, Jr.

Convicted 1984

Steven Barnes

Convicted 1989

Why I Give

When times are good, people are usually in a "giving" mood. Charity donations are up. Volunteerism is up. And people are more willing to lend a helping hand. But when the economy tanks, people lose jobs, and begin to worry about their mortgage and other bills, thoughts of helping others can fall by the wayside.

But I want to encourage you to continue to help those in need and continue to support the charities and programs that help people who are homeless, abused, mistreated, hungry, sick, and just plain down on their luck.

This month, I was the featured donor in the newsletter of a charity I support. I just wanted to share it with you.
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Reprinted Article from the March 2009 Innocence Project Newsletter.

Why I Give

Doreen Rainey

Professional and Personal Coach

Bowie, Maryland
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I learned about the Innocence Project from a friend who works as an attorney. She and I talk frequently about the racial and socioeconomic disparities in our criminal justice system and the need for immediate reform.

While the suffering caused by a wrongful conviction is impossible to imagine, I believe these injustices are the tip of the iceberg and point to deeper problems in the system. It’s obvious to me that poor people and members of minority groups are more likely to face injustice in our courts and prisons, but we’re a soundbite society and the problems with courts and law enforcement often fail to enter the public conversation. Thankfully, wrongful convictions overturned by DNA testing have raised the level of this discourse and have contributed to real reform. The common-sense solutions supported by the Innocence Project are inspiring and could provide a platform for change throughout the system.

I always want my donations and efforts to have as big an impact as possible, and sometimes this stops me from making small gifts. I think I was holding back from supporting groups like the Innocence Project because I couldn’t afford to fully fund an individual case or make a major contribution. My friend helped open my eyes to the power of every dollar. I started making a monthly donation to the Innocence Project, and now I realize that every gift has an exponential impact. This is the first time I’ve set up an automatic monthly gift, and I’m proud to say that the Innocence Project can count on my continuing support. In these economic times, consistency helps organizations be as effective as possible.

My career is focused on helping others maximize this opportunity called life. I like to think that the Innocence Project does this as well - it helps give new lives to people who have lost their most precious asset - their freedom. My support of the Innocence Project means so much to me, because now I realize that even when you can’t do something big, it’s doing something that matters.

This Opportunity Called Life

I had the honor of being interviewed by The Innocence Project this week. I financially support this organization and they periodically feature donors in their newsletter. This non-profit works to free wrongfully convicted people through DNA testing. Many of the people proven innocent and released from prison spent over 15 years serving time for a crime they didn’t commit.

Having no personal experience with this type of situation, the interviewer asked why I’m passionate about supporting the work that they do. I’d like to share with you what I shared with him.

My mission and purpose through my coaching practice is to help individuals maximize this opportunity called life. Especially now. Times are tough. People are losing jobs, homes, retirement funds, college money, and for many people, they are losing hope. But as long as you are alive, you have the opportunity to not just survive - but thrive. The same can’t be said for those who The Innocence Project helps. Their opportunity has been stolen from them as they sit in jail cells wondering if the truth will ever come out.

So what do I mean by “this opportunity called life”? Let’s break it down.

This:
Defined as an identifier. Which means that this life…your life…is it. It’s the only one you get. There’s no use in wishing that you were someone else because it’s not going to happen. As they say in poker – you gotta play the hand you were dealt. The good news is, with the right strategy and approach, this life – your life – can be filled with passion, contentment, fulfillment and success.

Opportunity:
Defined as a situation or condition favorable for attainment of a goal. A good position, chance, or prospect for advancement or success. As long as you have breath – you have opportunity. The key is to be open to new ideas, new perspectives, and new thoughts about what’s possible for your life. However, to recognize and seize opportunities, you must also being willing to let go of old baggage, past disappointments, and the feeling of lost for what wasn’t.

Called:
We all have a purpose. A reason for being here. And that purpose is not just for you - it's for someone else. Your calling will give you the outlet for your purpose and it will have a positive impact on others – whether it is one person or 1 million people. Tapping into your calling helps the “opportunities” become more obvious.

Life:
This is not a dress rehearsal. There are no second takes. Your life is the sum of your experiences, relationships, choices, dreams, hopes and fears. Learn from your experiences. Nurture positive relationships and sever ties to those toxic relationships. Make smart choices based on your values, beliefs, and what’s right for you – not on what your family, society, or outside influences think. Dream big – always. Never lose your hope – it’s what keeps you going when all else seems lost. And since no life exists without fear – face them. As the saying goes – feel the fear and do it anyway.

Here’s to you taking full advantage of this opportunity called life!

Significant vs. Successful

There's no lack of people telling you how to live a successful life. There are rows and rows of books in the self-help section of the bookstore. There are late night, early morning, and mid-day infomercials promising you the secrets of success for just 3 payments of $19.95. There are hundreds of talk radio shows that give you guest after guest that are anxious to share the keys to having the life that others will envy. And 99% of these people define success as having enough money to do what you want, when you want, and however you want. But that's a VERY narrow definition of success.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Aren't you one of those people?"

Yes - it's true. My first non-fiction book will be published in a few short months about creating a radical lifestyle (which is a big departure from my 9 fiction books that have already been published).

Yes - I conduct teleseminars and workshops around living a successful life.

And yes - I have been the host of a radio talk show with lots of guests sharing their "secrets".

But (you know there's a but!)...there is a difference! The difference is how I define success.

My coaching programs are designed around living a radical life. And being "radical" means defining success for yourself and being bold and courageous enough to go after it. Being "radical" means not basing your definition of success on what society says, what your mother says, the media says, your spouse says, or what anyone says. You must define success for yourself.

As a matter of fact, the first couple of sessions a client has with me is focused on defining success for themselves (which is not as easy as it sounds, as many people have been so influenced by outside factors that they have to dig deep to find their own thoughts and ideas). It's only after you do that, that you can begin to live a life that is focused on "significance" - which will then lead to your own personal success.

What do I mean?

Yesterday, I went to the funeral of a college friend who passed away after a long illness. If I said her name, 99% of you wouldn't know her. However, there were hundreds and hundreds of people there. There were many of my Spelman sisters, her Delta sorors, family members, people from her job, the community, and many government officials. People spoke of the impact she had on them and how she inspired them do better, live better, and serve others.

Now, the world tells us that success is millions of dollars, celebrity status, fame, and the ability to buy whatever you want. But a "significant" life is a life that finds a purpose and passion that serves others and pursues it relentlessly. Now, let me be crystal clear, that doesn't mean that money, fame and fortune can't go hand and hand with significance, but success without significance is a lonely, unfulfilled life. That's why people who seemingly have it all suffer bad marriages, drug abuse, alcoholism, and will jump out of a building when they lose their money. And it's also why the "poorest" of people can live with joy, love and a sense of peace.

When you start your journey with passion, purpose and a desire to serve, your life will be significant. And even if no one ever recognizes you for your efforts, you will still be successful.

Think of Ghandi - he began his journey with no cameras and reporters and his beliefs and passion changed a nation.

Think of Nelson Mandela - his purpose and commitment sent him to jail and his actions changed a nation.

Think of Barry C. Scheck and Peter J. Neufeld - founders of The Innocence Project , they work diligently to free those wrongly convicted of crimes through DNA testing (227 people so far and counting!)

Think of President Barack Obama - no matter your political affiliation, his commitment to community organizing and giving back has inspired many to do the same.

Think of Judith Sandalow, Executive Director of The Children's Law Center - her organization helps at-risk children in the District of Columbia find safe, permanent homes and get the education, health and social services they need.

Think of Dr. Stephanie Jackson Pace, my Spelman sister who was laid to rest yesterday - her commitment to education (her PhD was in Mathematics from the University of MD), the youth, and her community left a legacy that will never be erased. She was truly significant and successful.